How Can You Help Foster Independence and Resilience in Your Middle School Student?

Remember when your student was first learning how to ride a bike. You started small. Maybe they started on a little tricycle and graduated to a strider to help develop balance. They then learned how to coordinate pedaling on their first bike with training wheels. And, eventually, you took those training wheels off and held onto the back of their bike gaining your own courage to let go. You were afraid they may fall if and when you let go, but you finally did. Inevitably, they fell. You were there for them and picked them back up, encouraging them to try again. The reality was in those moments you were probably more afraid of the risks than they were. They were excited, even though it was hard, and gained a little bit of independence with each step towards riding their own bike. 

Middle school is like learning to ride a bike all over again. Students want to be successful and are excited that they are getting older and trying new things, but they still need you to enforce those guardrails like you did when they were small. Allow them to try new things, within reason, and make mistakes knowing that you are always there. Allow your student the space to make decisions and learn from the outcomes. This not only builds independence but also encourages resilience by helping your child’s brain learn to adapt. The brain’s ability to change, called neuroplasticity, means that the more your student practices independence and problem-solving, the stronger those brain pathways become. 

When your student faces a challenge, whether it’s a school project or a friendship issue, guide them toward solutions rather than solving it for them. We often give students tools to “meet the challenge” head on both socially and academically. Ask questions like, “What do you think you should do?” or “How could you approach this differently?”. Praising hard work and persistence instead of focusing solely on grades or outcomes teaches your student that effort matters. This approach aligns with research showing that a growth mindset—the belief that abilities can improve with effort—helps the brain become more adaptable and resilient. We can also model this as adults. Share stories about times when you faced challenges and how you overcame them. Let them see you try something new and not immediately excel.  Seeing you handle adversity can inspire your child to develop similar coping mechanisms, rewiring their brain toward resilience.

According to Andrew Huberman- Professor and Neuroscientist at Stanford University and Host of the Huberman Lab Podcast, “Doing hard things” leads to brain growth. Specifically, the anterior midcingulate cortex (AMCC), part of the brain which is associated with tenacity, grit, and overcoming challenges, strengthens with each challenge not normal to our everyday routine. Essentially, the more you engage in difficult tasks, the more this brain region develops, enhancing your ability to persevere through tough situations.  Our students will eventually become adults and have challenges they will have to face on their own. Adolescent years act as a training ground to help our students realize they can do hard things and be successful. Each time they face and overcome a challenge they are building resilience and grit both emotionally and neurologically. Their confidence will increase with each challenge they conquer, making it easier for them to try and be successful when doing future hard things. 

Feelings are BIG in Middle School

Middle school is a time of rapid change—socially, emotionally, and physically. Students at this age are navigating new social dynamics, deeper friendships, peer pressure, and the desire to fit in, all while dealing with surging emotions. As a parent, it’s crucial to provide the right emotional and social support to help your child manage these big feelings. But how exactly can you do that? Here are some tips for guiding your middle schooler through these formative years.

Create a Space for Open Communication

• Ask open-ended questions: Instead of “How was school?” try “Tell me about something that happened today that made you feel good.”
• Be present: If they want to talk, stop what you’re doing, look them in the eye, and give them your full attention.
• Avoid lectures: Resist the urge to lecture. Middle school students are looking for someone to understand them, not always to “fix” the situation.
• Ask reflective questions: When they share a problem, instead of immediately giving advice, ask, “What do you think you could do?” or “How might you handle this situation?”
• Name emotions: When they seem upset or anxious, ask them to describe how they feel. Naming emotions like “frustrated,” “nervous,” or “excited” helps them gain control over their feelings.
• Normalize emotions: Let them know that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or anxious and that these emotions are a normal part of life. This validation helps them process their feelings more effectively.
• Encourage critical thinking: Guide them to consider multiple perspectives. Help them understand that social situations are complex, and seeing things from another person’s point of view can help them manage conflicts more effectively.
• Let them make mistakes: It’s okay for them to struggle with social interactions and even fail sometimes. These experiences teach resilience and problem-solving.

Middle school is a time for growth and exploration. It is not always easy. “It takes a village to raise a kid” strikes a chord with me more today than it has in the past. If at any point during this year you or your student needs additional support, please know that we are in this together, and we are here for you. 

Research used in this newsletter:

Huberman Labs – https://ai.hubermanlab.com/s/LNyXHbw9

Washington Post – https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2022/09/29/train-brain-for-hard-things

Author – Tricia Pezdek, Head of Middle School